Karl Dockstader – Co-host of One Dish, One Mic, Sundays at 10am EST on AM 610 CKTB. Please note this article is satire. The idea of an Indian Butter Maiden is pretty daft in a very special American way.
Arden Hills, MN – In a sad story Mia the Indian Lake Maiden will start her slow churn and retire. After a hundred years as the butter mascot for a successful global corporation Mia will spread her talents across a greater breadth of ventures. She hasn’t fully rendered her plans yet, but she plans to emulsify more leisure with her skills as a money making icon
Fans of the Mia who’s hearts are melting can rest assured that the separation won’t last too long even as she cools her work in butter making on the countertop for 20 to 30 minutes or more until she’s set on a plan for her future.
Mia plans to visit Tiger Lily in the Land of the Braves to try to reconnect with her roots as a fictitious culturally appropriated character. “We miss our Great White Fathers in Indian country,” Tiger Lily told us when contacted for comment, “but us Red Indians can scalp all the pirates we want here as part of our sovereignty as Piccanany people.”
“Now is the time for Mia to write her own story,” gleefully exclaimed Mia’s friend Disney’s Pocohantas, “It’s too hard to reconcile the history of rape, pillaging, and land theft that is the foundation of white settler wealth in North America”.
The sexy teen princess marketed at children continued: “Mia has a chance to whitewash over her past, put on her best redface, and sell herself in whichever way can make her a buck.
“I’d add themes of environmentalism, nobility, and a mild critique of consumerism – which sells better then you might think,” continued the beautiful caricature, “but don’t get too critical – brains and beauty don’t sell – and keep it young, savage enough and sexy. That’s America’s bread and butter.”
“I don’t know who she is to tell me about bread and butter,” joked Mia when we shared comments from her friend.
“I actually have reached out to the Maid of the Mist for a better idea of how to handle my multi-national portfolio even though she retired from doing business in Canada and only licenses in the states. She agreed to share her agent with me,” Mia explained while still looking the part of a stunning exotic.
“(The Indian Maiden of the Mist) said that she referred her agent to the fictional Prince and Princess Harry and Meghan for how to extract in Canada for a soft launch, and then capitalize in America when you’re ready to really pump out your brand for money,” said Mia.
Mia didn’t want to share too much more detail, afraid to spread too much and melt away her ability to relax. The Butter Maiden did share that before she rebrands and visits her friends, Mia plans to lay in a cool dark place for a couple of days, but not for too long so she doesn’t sour. Teasing her future plans she shared, “ I know one thing for sure: the margarine for error in my future is small.”